Vayeishev - A Salutary Lesson in Parenting

Joseph had everything going for him.

"Genesis 37:2

At seventeen years of age, Joseph tended the flocks with his brothers, as a helper to the sons of his father’s wives, Bilhah and Zilpah."

He was following the family tradition of being a shepherd. He fitted into the mould, alongside his brothers. However, not all is well as we told in the same verse:

Genesis 37:2

And Joseph brought bad reports of them to their father."

You would expect the Torah to tell us that Jacob admonishes Joseph for tale-bearing. Wouldn't that be the logical follow-on to this episode?

However, strangely, the next verse informs us that:

"Genesis 37:3

(3) Now Israel loved Joseph best of all his sons, for he was the child of his old age; and he had made him an coat of many colours."

Chizkuni, a 13th Century French commentator explains that:

 (The word פסים  -"of many colours" can be seen) as a 'compensation,' for being a half orphan, not having a mother anymore. Jacob tried to compensate him by having a costly garment made for him.

If we join the dots, we find that we have a petulant teenager, the apple of his father's eye, who despite his behaviour, is given a wonderful gift. Notice the order of the information provided. Firstly, Joseph badmouths his brothers and then, Jacob's initial response is to seemingly ignore his behaviour and to add insult to injury, reward him with a beautiful coat. 

Rashi tells us that the word פסים is a term for 'raiment of fine wool' (Gemara Masechet Shabbat 10b)”

The next verse underscores the dysfunctional family dynamic by stating:

"Genesis 37:4

And when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of his brothers, they hated him so that they could not speak a friendly word to him."

Can you imagine the table conversations that took place at meal-time?

Jacob looking at his beloved son with dreamy eyes, all the while his other sons complaining bitterly about how unfair it all was. Why should Joseph be given preferential treatment over them? How could their father reward his poor behaviour in such a manner?

In their eyes, this was a travesty of justice and it wasn't helped by the following verses which describe his dreams!

"Genesis 37:9-10

He dreamed another dream and told it to his brothers, saying, “Look, I have had another dream: And this time, the sun, the moon, and eleven stars were bowing down to me.” (10) And when he told it to his father and brothers, his father berated him. “What,” he said to him, “is this dream you have dreamed? Are we to come, I and your mother and your brothers, and bow low to you to the ground?"

It is very easy to view the narrative in the Bible as being removed from the present day. These people lived in a time that seems so different to our own. Yet, as a parent and teacher, I find that they don't seem so different from the kind of people we are these days. How many of us realise the mistakes we made, either following Joseph's example or falling into the same parental trap as Jacob?

It is all too easy to let our emotions guide us into the wrong territory.

Why didn't Jacob discipline his son? Why did he choose him at the expense of the obvious hurt caused to the brothers? It's easy to view the disastrous result from the luxury of hindsight - but that is what makes Jacob, Joseph and his brothers so very human in our eyes.

Rabbi Sacks in Covenant and Conversation (2017) explains:

"Our failures, seen in retrospect many years later, turn out to have been our deepest learning experiences. Our hindsight is always more perceptive than our foresight. 

We live life facing the future, but we understand life only when it has become our past.

Nowhere is this set out more clearly than in the story of Joseph in this week's parsha.

It begins on a high note: 'Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his sons, because he was a son of his old age and he made him a richly embroiderer robe.' But with dramatic speed, that love and that gift turn out to be Joseph's undoing. His brothers began hating him. When he told them his dream, they hated him even more. 

His second dream offended even his father. Later, when he went to see his brothers tending their flocks, they first plotted to kill him, and eventually sold him as a slave". And that is just the start of his woes. By the end of the parsha, he has even been forgotten by the Royal butler and is languishing in an Egyptian Jail. How the mighty have fallen!"

If we set aside the parental angle, we see another fascinating aspect of the relationship between Jacob and Joseph.

In the 1920s, the eminent psychologist Edward Thorndike of Columbia University suggested the idea that a person can be perceived as having a “halo” by someone else.

In his paper, 'A Constant Error in Psychological Ratings', he wrote the following:

“In  a study  made  in  1915  of  employees  of  two  large  industrial  corporations,  it  appeared  that  the  estimates  of  the  same man in a number  of  different  traits  such  as  intelligence,  industry, technical   skill, reliability, (etc), were very highly correlated  and  very  evenly  correlated.

It   consequently appeared probable that those giving the ratings were unable to analyse out these different   aspects   of   the person’s   nature and achievement and  rate  each  in  independence  of  the  others. Their ratings were apparently affected by a marked tendency to think of the person in general as rather good or rather inferior  and  to  colour  the  judgements  of  the  qualities  by  this general  feeling.    

This same constant error towards suffusing ratings of  special  features  with  a  halo  belonging  to  the  individuals as a whole  appeared  in  the  ratings  of  officers  made  by their superiors in the army…”

The Halo effect is very readily applicable in many different situations, most notably in the process of selecting applicants for a job. The interviewer finds something in common with the interviewee (such as their having grown up in the same town or attended the same school) and this can then prejudice their objectivity in being able to select the appropriate candidate for the post. The same concept works in reverse and is known as the “horns effect” (e.g) the candidate doesn't wear appropriate clothing when attending the meeting and the interviewer takes a dislike to him/her based on this - to the extent that it prejudices the interviewee's chance of successfully obtaining the job.

Is it possible that Rachel’s death had understandably blinded Jacob to his younger son’s failings, in the same way that his father had been dazzled by Esau, all those years before?

As Sir Tim Rice put it so succinctly in 'Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat':

“And their father couldn’t see the danger, he could not imagine any danger – he just saw in Joseph all his dreams come true”.

Jacob’s biased view of Joseph turned out to be as destructive as any employer who too has let a prejudiced viewpoint cloud their judgement.

As a parent and teacher, I can readily see the result of the mistakes we make when bringing up our children. Mistakes that could have been so easily avoided in hindsight.

I regret the times when I should have acted differently towards my own children and those when I should not. Yet, as I look at the wonderful young adults my own daughters have developed into, I realise that maybe the mistakes I made were beneficial in helping them to avoid their own when they Please Gd become parents themselves.

Like Jacob, I have all too human failings but not to the extent that my children have sold their younger sibling into captivity!

As teachers, we have limited control over the children we instruct. We try our best to instil in them the right way to behave towards one another and adults in general and at the end of the day, we aspire to send them into the world with the values that we cherish - in terms of being responsible contributors to the societies they inhabit.

Perhaps, we can take note from the lessons that the Torah is teaching us, with regard to Jacob, Joseph and his brothers. The domino effect that Rachel's passing had on the family cannot be underestimated - yet, at the same time, with a little more thought and foresight, perhaps the situation could have turned out differently.

I think that Rabbi Sacks' comment about how 'our failures, seen in retrospect many years later, turn out to have been our deepest learning experiences' resonates more, the older we become.

If I have learned anything from my experiences, it is, that the lessons I have internalised will hopefully help the next generation to avoid the same pitfalls. 

May we all be blessed with the ability to continue learning from our mistakes - and maybe, even the foresight to avoid making them in the first place!

Shabbat Shalom.

Vayishlach - Yaacov, the first Jedi Knight (14/12/2019)

What must it have felt like to be Yaacov early in the morning on the day he met Esav again?

He had just endured a physically exhausting fight with a stranger - perhaps, according to Rashi, Esav's Guardian Angel, who assaulted him all the while, in the guise of a man.

They've fought all night. Yaacov is no youngster either. He is close to 100 years of age.

Dawn has broken and the only way the "man" can prevail is by aggressively kicking Yaacov in the thigh, to the point that he has dislocated his hip.  Yaacov has been renamed Yisrael and he has little time to think of the consequences because he's in pain. Deep, deep pain.

Now, he walks wearily towards his twin brother who is standing across the plain accompanied by four hundred strongmen.

The last time they were together, twenty-two years earlier, he was about to run for his life, escaping a death sentence. 

Now, he has no idea how Esav, a volatile character, will react when they finally meet mano a mano - hand to hand.

Yaacov bows seven times until he reaches Esav. No doubt, he is both physically and emotionally drained.

Esav rushes up to him and they embrace - although the Rabbis note the dots over the word "vayishakehu" - Esav kissed Yaacov - some believe that he tried to bite his brother's neck and there was little sincerity in the action - others hold that (at least according to Rashi), Esav's hatred for his brother was overtaken by merciful emotions and his heart dictated his actions.

So here we are, the ultimate reunion. Brothers together. Old scores laid aside. At last peace has prevailed.

Now, reverse the role.

You are Esav, surrounded by your henchmen and about to see your twin brother again. 

He's really laid it on thickly. 

Hundreds of animals as gifts - just read the list of what Yaacov had sent the previous night, to assuage his brother's unpredictable behaviour:

Genesis 32

(15) 200 she-goats and 20 he-goats; 200 ewes and 20 rams;

(16) 30 nursing camels with their colts; 40 cows and 10 bulls; 20 she-asses and 10 he-asses.

That's quite a gift!

And here he is, watching his brother bowing down to him, not once, not twice but seven times. 

His brother, the one who tricked their father, took the blessings that were undoubtedly his and fled, like a coward in the night.

Look how the tables have turned!

What else can Esav do but show magnanimity to his younger sibling?

So, he reacts by running towards Yaacov, embraces him, falls on his neck and kisses him. All is forgiven. The hunted and his hunter have indeed been reunited.

How would you act if you were Esav at this moment?

What would you do to build bridges?

Genesis 33:12

And [Esau] said, “Let us start on our journey, and I will proceed at your pace.”

After the reconciliation, is this not a logical suggestion?

Esav is willing to accompany his brother back home (wherever home may now be) but

Yaacov defers:

Genesis 33:

(13) But he said to him, “My lord knows that the children are frail and that the flocks and herds, which are nursing, are important to me; if they are driven hard a single day, all the flocks will die. (14) Let my lord go on ahead of his servant, while I travel slowly, at the pace of the cattle before me and at the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Se'ir.”

Esav then tries again:

(15) Then Esau said, “Let me assign to you some of the men who are with me.”

To which Yaacov replies:

But he said, “Oh no, my lord is too kind to me!”

Having been rebuffed twice, we read that:

(16) So Esau started back that day on his way to Seir. (17) But Jacob journeyed on to Succoth, and built a house for himself and made stalls for his cattle; that is why the place was called Succoth.

A simple reading of the text is puzzling. Why would Yaacov refuse these peaceful overtures from his brother? Why not follow the logical path of reconciliation and work to rebuild the relationship with his brother?

 

It was one of the seminal moments in cinematic history.

Luke Skywalker was hanging onto a gangway for dear life, stretching over a deep drop into the cosmos, having just had his arm severed by the brutal swipe of Darth Vader's light-sabre.

Our hearts were in our mouths. What would happen next?

Lord Vader says the following:

Vader: "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Luke, you do not yet realise your importance. You've only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy."

Luke: "I'll never join you"

Vader: "If you only knew the power of the dark side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."

Luke: "He told me enough. He told me you killed him."

Vader: "No, I am your father"

Luke: "No, no, that's not true. That's impossible."

Vader: "Search your feelings and you know it to be true.

Luke "No, no"

Vader: ".....join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son...."

What stopped Luke from participating in this unexpected family reunion? His sworn enemy, the man who had minutes before tried to kill him, was now offering him a safety net and even more impressively, world domination! [(c) Lucasfilms/Disney]

What stopped Yaacov from joining his brother, albeit with less of an ambition and even going to the point of rejecting his generous offer of a new coterie of bodyguards?

In both cases, the answer is a choice - to weigh up the advantages of making "peace" with the danger of being influenced by a force (pun intended) that would destroy his inner moral compass.

Our Rabbis tell us that the reason Yaakov declined Esav's first offer was because he knew that this reunion could only be short-lived and that soon enough, Esav would return to type.

Yaacov wanted to conclude the meeting as soon as possible. 

Luke similarly jumps into the abyss because he knows that although it would be more advantageous to join Vader on his power-trip, in the end, he will be overtaken by the same forces that destroyed Anakin Skywalker and led to his transmogrification into the monster that has become Darth Vader. 

Luke has started his training with Yoda as a Jedi Knight. He isn't about to join the ranks of the Sith!

Similarly so, Yaacov is also a Jedi (albeit a Jewish one - there's a joke about his sister Leia being a Druish Princess, but I won't go there!) fighting the inevitable evil that would emanate from Esav, ancestor of the Edomites and ultimately the Romans who would destroy the Beit Hamikdash many centuries later).

We all have choices that we can make in life, regarding the decisions we take, but ultimately, the people we choose to become our friends. 

William J.H. Boetcker, an American Presbyterian Minister famously wrote:

"A man is judged by the company he keeps"

The quote continues: "and a company is judged by the men it keeps, and the people of Democratic nations are judged by the type and caliber of officers they elect.".

Yaacov was one of our founding fathers, a man whose every action would be reflected in the behaviour of his decedents. At this critical moment in his and our history, despite his pain and weariness, he knew which choice to make and how this would impact on us, his progeny.

That he didn't let his brother lead him astray speaks volumes about the lessons we can learn from his example.

Like Luke Skywalker, he truly was a Jedi Knight - using the Force to maintain harmony both is his generation and ours.

Shabbat Shalom and may the Force be with you!