Parashat Toldot: Failure To Communicate

 It’s a memorable but disturbing scene from one of my favourite films.

Luke, a decorated war hero, has escaped from the brutal penitentiary where he has been incarcerated for two years.  His original crime? Decapitating parking meters during a drunken spree. 

He has tried to escape and has been recaptured.  He is standing on an embankment overlooking his fellow prisoners who are clearing a dust track in the baking sun.  They stop to look at him being fitted with leg irons (to accompany his handcuffed hands).  The sadistic captain who oversees the prison tells Luke that he needs to “get used to wearing them chains after a while, but you never stop listening to them clinking, cos they are going to remind you of what I’ve been saying for your own good.”

Luke responds sarcastically saying, “I wish you’d stop being so good to me, Captain!” at which point the captain replies, “Don’t you ever talk that way to me.” and sharply hits Luke across the collarbone with his truncheon causing him to temporarily lose consciousness and roll down the hill.

The captain then says, “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.  Some men you just can’t reach, so you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it.  Well, he gets it.  I don’t like it any more than you may.”  Luke who is clearly stunned, crawls across the ground on all fours. 

Besides ‘Cool Hand Luke’ being a pretty damning indictment of the American penal system in the 1960s, this scene is also indicative of a particularly brutal way by which a message can be communicated.  The irony of the captain’s comments is not lost on the audience and the scene still retains its power to shock all these years later.  One of the key phrases that I remember from my undergraduate studies was, ‘Communication is the lifeblood of the company.’  I quoted it when I was writing essays on how to improve productivity within the workplace.  Just as we cannot survive without blood flowing through our arteries, so a business cannot hope to be successful unless it addresses blockages in its communication channels.  The price of miscommunication, both in our professional or personal lives is heavy indeed.

This is particularly true when examining this week’s Parasha of Toldot which I am very fond of as it happens to be my Barmitzvah sidra!  Rabbi Sacks ztl whose Yartzheit we commemorated almost two weeks ago, quotes the Netziv (Naftali Zvi Yehudah Berlin d.1883 who was the Dean of the famed Yeshivah of Volozhin) who observed that Isaac and Rebecca, [hereafter Yitzchak and Rivka] did not communicate closely.  In his Commentary to Bereishit 24.25, he writes:

Rivka’s relationship with Yitzchak was not the same as that between Sarah and Avraham or Rachel and Yaakov.  When they had a problem they were not afraid to speak about it.  Not so with Rivka.

The first time we read about a conversation between Yitzchak and Rivka takes place after the giving of the blessings by Yitzchak to his younger son, believing that he was the older one.  Fearing that Eisav will kill Yaakov as a result of the deception, she tells her husband:

Bereshit (27.46)

 “I am disgusted with my life because of the daughters of Chet.  If Yaakov marries a woman of the daughters of Chet, like these, from the daughters of the land, what is life worth to me?”

Yitzchak’s response is not recorded and in the next verse, we learn that he listens to his wife, calls Yaakov, blesses him and tells him that he must not marry a Canaanite woman but go “at once to Padan Aram, to the house of your mother’s father, Bethuel and there marry a daughter of your mother’s brother, Lavan”. 

Rabbi Sacks, following the commentary of the Netziv, says that the relationship between Rivka and Yitzchak was never ‘casual, intimate’.  When they had first met (as we read in last week’s Parasha), ‘Rivka covered herself with a veil out of awe and a sense of inadequacy as if she felt she was unworthy to be his wife and from then on, this trepidation was fixed in her mind’.

This lack of communication between husband and wife resulted in a series of lost opportunities and resultant errors.  The Netziv suggests that, ‘it seems likely that Rivka never informed Yitzchak of the oracle that she had witnessed before the twins, Eisav and Yaakov were born in which Gd told her that ‘the elder will serve the younger’.  This was apparently one reason why she loved Yaakov more than Eisav, knowing that Yaakov was the one chosen by Gd. 

If Yitzchak knew this, why did he favour Eisav? The answer is that he probably didn’t know as Rivka had not told him.

In the words of the captain:, “What we have here is failure to communicate.” (but I am obviously not comparing him with the saintly Rivka.)

The Netziv continues his train of thought referring to how she had to resort to deception in order to ensure that Yaakov would receive the blessing that was due to him.  That Yitzchak had intended to give each son the blessing that was suited to him meant that he intended to give the bracha of the covenant to Yaakov all along...but didn’t communicate this to his wife.  Had they talked, much resulting heartache would have been averted.

I have been considering the importance of communication over the last week. 

Winston Churchill said, “Meeting jaw to jaw is better than war.” (which was famously misquoted by Harold MacMillan as “jaw jaw is better than war war”).

The COP27 Climate Summit in Sharm el-Sheikh has now concluded.  One of the outcomes has been the announcement by ‘Team Europe’ which comprises of the EU and the African Union of an initiative on ‘Climate Change Adaption and Resilience in Africa as part of the ‘EU-Africa Global Gateway Investment Package’.

The European Commission website https://ec.europa.eu/commission/presscorner/detail/en/ip_22_6888  has reported that:

This Team Europe Initiative will bring together existing and new climate change adaptation programmes of over €1 billion and leverage its impact by improved coordination and a reinforced policy dialogue on adaptation between the EU and AU.  This includes €60 million for loss and damage from the overall EU contribution.

It will enhance cooperation with African partners to further respond to their adaptation needs and mitigate disaster risks.

The talks that took place recognised the impending disaster that could befall the continent of Africa due to climate change were we, the wealthier nations, to ignore the warning signs.  For three weeks, they met ‘jaw to jaw’ and hammered out an agreement.  Whether this will lead to a significant change of policy remains to be seen.  At the heart of the matter was the understanding that the delegates who represented their countries had no option but to share their fears and as a result, hope to achieve a better outcome for themselves and their countrymen and women.  They had to communicate because, unless you know what the other person is thinking, you cannot provide any assistance.  It is a salutary lesson for the rest of us.

As Roberta Metsola, the European Parliament President said to some students on a visit to Tel Aviv University in May, “[I am] Impressed by the engagement, the questions and ideas put forward by students.  Always good to listen and discuss the future with young people - where there is dialogue there is hope.”  She continued by stating that she would “advocate for strengthening ties between the EU and Israel throughout her visit and upon her return to Europe.”  https://www.israelnationalnews.com/news/328092

Whether or not she stands by her words will become apparent in the future, but the fact that they had the discussion in the first place is promising.

How often do we land ourselves in trouble as a result of miscommunication?

How often do we wish we had handled a situation differently?

How often do we take the opportunity to communicate once again what we really meant and extricate ourselves from a thorny situation?

Whether quoting Hollywood films, former Prime Ministers or Organizational Psychologists, the message is identical.  Communication IS the lifeblood of all relationships.  Failure to communicate, as we see in this week’s Parasha can be disastrous.

Paul J.  Meyer (1928 - 2009), a pioneer in the self-improvement industry said:

"Communication – the human connection – is the key to personal and career success.”

Wise words indeed.

Shavuah Tov.

Parashat Lech Lecha – A Lesson for 2022

I’ve lost count of the times someone has told me that they find it hard to relate to the events that took place in the Torah.  After all, here we are over three thousand years after the fact.  Times have changed.  People have different attitudes and the last time I looked, none of my neighbours spent their time living in tents.  Admittedly, there are some who enjoy camping out, particularly during the summer festival season (and many of them cheat by ‘glamping’), but this is for a very limited time.  Yes, it’s fine if you are an army-type or wish to achieve a DoE award…but living a nomadic life, such as that practised by Avraham, Sarah and their entourage, is strictly off the scale of many people’s idea of habitation.

On the surface, as 21^st Century citizens, how can we connect to the many episodes that are vividly described in this week’s Parasha?

Avram (later to be renamed Avraham by Gd), a 75-year-old man is told by Hashem to leave his entire life behind, namely his ‘land, birthplace and father’s house’ to travel southwards to a country that will eventually end up being bequeathed to his descendants who will comprise of a ‘great nation’.

He obeys Gd’s command and shortly after he arrives in Canaan then flees to Egypt to escape the famine ‘that was severe’.  He enters Egypt and his wife is seized by Pharaoh’s officials.  Even after Avram and Sarai are reunited, Avram’s troubles continue.  There follows an argument between Avram and Lot’s shepherds over territorial rights pertaining to grazing land.

They come to an agreement which leads to Lot and his caravan moving down to Sodom.  This in turn embroils Avram in the war between the four kings and five kings, where he has to send 318 men (or according to the Midrash, only his servant Eliezer) to rescue Lot who has been captured in the conflict. And we are only up to Chamishi (the fifth Aliyah)!

I have provided a brief sketch of how turbulent Avram’s life was.  There was a great deal more to come. 

Pirkei Avot (The Ethics of the Fathers, Chapter 5, Verse 4) tells us that:

‘Avraham our father was tested with ten trials and he withstood all of them, to make known how deep was our father Avraham’s love of Gd’.

The Tiferes Yisrael (Rabbi Yisrael Lipschitz d.1860) explains that Avraham was made to pass these to ‘demonstrate to all mankind his great love of Gd and was therefore selected by Gd for his great destiny as the Patriarch of the Jewish nation’ (Pirkei Avot, Rabbi Avrohom Davis, Metsudah Publications, 1979).  However, we note that the Mishna doesn’t expound on the nature of the tests themselves.

Rashi, the Rambam,Rabbeinu Yona ( d.1264) and many others present their own interpretations of the list of trials that Gd set upon Avraham.

Rabbi Ovadiah of Bartinura (d.c.1515) suggests the following:

1.    Avram is thrown into a fiery furnace.

2.    Gd tells him to leave his homeland to be a stranger in the land of Canaan.

3.    Immediately after his arrival in the Promised Land, he encounters a famine.

4.    The Egyptians seize his beloved wife, Sarah, and bring her to Pharaoh.

5.    He faces incredible odds in the battle of the four and five kings.

6.    He is told by Gd that his children will be strangers in a strange land. 

7.    Gd tells him to circumcise himself at an advanced age.

8.    The king of Gerar captures Sarah, intending to take her for himself.

9.    Gd tells him to send away Hagar and her son, Ishmael.

10.  .Avraham is told by Gd to sacrifice his dear son Isaac upon an altar.

(source: Chabad.org)

Note that, except for the first test which is found in the Midrash, all the others appear in Parshiot Lech Lecha and Vayera.

With this in mind, the Tiferes Yisrael’s comments make more sense.  Avraham was so devoted to Gd after everything that had befallen him that he was truly worthy of being our first Patriarch.

Returning to my initial question, how can we, in this day and age, relate to Avraham’s experiences?

The common thread that runs through all of the tests are the physical and emotional barriers that present themselves to Avraham at every juncture of his life.  No sooner has he overcome one challenge, than he is faced with the next.  He doesn’t have a chance to rest.

Does this sound familiar to us?  For the last two years, we have faced a devastating pandemic which was swiftly followed by a war in a far-off country that has shaken the world to its core.  We ask ourselves whether it is more expensive to stay home and face soaring energy bills or go out and spend exorbitant amounts of money on our food.  The UK is still reeling from the loss of the Queen and witnessing the third Prime Minister in four months.  All the while, we are fearing the actions of an unpredictable dictator who could launch a nuclear attack at any moment.  Where is our opportunity to rest?  Is Gd testing our mettle too?

A recent article in the Jerusalem Post caught my attention.  It was entitled: ‘Going to religious services will make you live longer’ (30^th September - https://www.jpost.com/health-and-wellness/article-718578)

The study, in the publication PLOS ONE, focused on the mortality rate of Black American men over the age of 50 and their attendance at church services.  The researchers who carried out the analysis found that those men who attended church on a regular basis had a lower mortality rate than those of the participants who didn’t.  You can read the study in full at https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0273806#sec007.

A 2016 Harvard study in the ‘Journal of the American Medical Association: Internal Medicine (https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2521827) examined and evaluated data from over 75,000 American women of all faiths (with the majority being Christian) reported the same findings.  Its senior author, Tyler Vanderweele said in a New York Times interview that:

‘This suggests that there is something powerful about the communal religious experience.  These are systems of thought and practice shaped over millennia, and they are powerful.’

This is not the first time I have heard of such studies.  There seems to be empirical evidence of something similar in the UK.  In 2018, The Independent reported the findings of another study under the heading ‘Religious people live four years longer than atheists’ (https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/religion-live-longer-muslim-jewish-christian-hindu-buddhist-life-expectancy-age-a8396866.html)

Humorously, the Tablet, an international Catholic Weekly, increased that to six years demonstrating that sometimes inflation is not all bad!  (https://www.thetablet.co.uk/news/9242/religious-people-live-up-to-six-years-longer-than-agnostics-and-atheists-study-finds),

These studies, pulled together with others, are indicating that there is an empirical link between a person’s faith (however one wishes to interpret this on a scale of religious practice) and general wellbeing.  This doesn’t mean that anyone who attends a place of worship is necessarily healthier than someone who doesn’t, but on a significant scale (if the research is to be believed), those of faith are more internally fortified and this impacts on their overall wellbeing.

Lockdown deprived us of our energy source, namely our Shuls but it didn’t disconnect the umbilical link to our spiritual home.  When we come to Shul, we leave our woes behind us, even if this happens to be for a short period of time.  We spend time speaking of and to Gd, praying for things to get better, to be able to overcome the tests that we are facing in our lives, both as individuals and as members of the Jewish People. 

With this in mind, I can appreciate how Avraham, through all of his trials, never lost belief that Gd would come through for him in the end.  His unshakeable faith was there when nothing else seemed to make sense.

As Rabbi Sacks ztl famously wrote in ‘Letters to the Next Generation: Reflections for Yom Kippur, 2016’

‘Faith is not certainty; it is the courage to live with uncertainty.  Faith does not mean seeing the world as you would like it to be; it means seeing the world exactly as it is, yet never giving up the hope that we can make it better by the way we live – by acts of chein and chessed, graciousness and kindness, and by forgiveness and generosity of spirit.’

Avraham, despite every challenge that faced him, held onto his faith.  As King Solomon famously wrote in Kohelet (Ecclesiastes 1.9 – ‘There is nothing new under the sun’ and how right he was. Am Yisrael chai.

Shavua Tov.