Hers was
the first voice I heard and continued listening to until it fell silent
fifty-four years later.
I could
begin this Drasha with the famous quote that ‘a boy’s best friend is his
mother’ but granted it was uttered by Norman Bates in Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Psycho’
film, it’s not best appropriate!
However,
I do believe that the sentiment is accurate, at least in my case.
In my
formative years, my mother was without a doubt the most influential person in
my life. She fed and nurtured and
educated me, and the fact that I am bi-lingual is purely down to her speaking
to me in French until I started nursery.
This is not to say that my father’s contribution was not an integral part
of my upbringing. In the long tradition
of Jewish mothers, she was a force of nature and Dad was smart enough not to
disagree.
From time
immemorial, traditional Judaism has defined a Jewish person’s status through
their mother’s line. This makes sense as
it is the mother who has the greatest influence on the child from the moment
they enter the world. Although our
fathers would like to think they are in charge, we all know who really runs the
household, don’t we?! Additionally,
there is never any doubt as to who the child’s mother is which, from a
historical point, may not have been applicable to their father, granted our long
and violent history of persecution.
Back to
my mother. Her influence on me was such that, in primary school, I thrived
under female teachers and with a few exceptions, clashed with my male
instructors. It was as though I
instinctively gravitated towards the ‘mumsy’ type teachers over the stricter
school ‘ma’ams’ (and their male equivalents).
I have a
natural empathy for the fairer sex and my deep-seated belief in granting women
equal rights was instilled in me by my late mother. At university in the early 1990s, I recall
writing an essay on the significance of The Equal Pay Act (1970) and The Sex
Discrimination Act (1975) both of which were latterly replaced by the Equality
Act (2010). I was appalled that despite
the 1970 Act, men and women were still being paid differently for performing
identical jobs.
It also
didn’t hurt that I came of age under Lady Thatcher’s premiership. A leader whom I have always held in very high
esteem (unlike my parents who despised her!) She also helped to inform and influence my
thinking at a crucial stage of my emotional development and awareness of the
world. All of the above embedded in me a
high level of respect and admiration for women.
When Hashem
is about to create Adam, He says (Bereshit 2.18)
‘It is not good for man to be alone.
I will make him a fitting partner for him’.
The Hebrew expression used is ‘Ezer Kenegdo’ which
literally means ‘someone to help him who will oppose him.’ Chazal understand that a truly loving female
partner is one who is not afraid to criticize her male counterpart, for in
doing so, she will make him a better person.
I don’t think any lady here would disagree with that sentiment and
although we, the boys, might sometimes wince at this idea, deep down, we know
that it makes a great deal of sense!
When I
look at the other women who have influenced me over the years, I feel that I
have been (mostly) blessed. Gd (and
nature), seeing that I coped better in female company gave me the gift of four
fabulous daughters and a wonderful wife in Stephnie. I am truly blessed on all accounts.
Mark
Twain’s famous quote of, “Behind every successful man, there is a woman.”
recalls this week’s Parasha. In our
case, the man is Moshe Rabbeinu and the woman is his sister, Miriam.
Rabbi
Sacks ztl asks a crucial question regarding a seminal event that takes place in
Chukat. Why did Moshe lose his temper
and hit the rock when Hashem had told him to speak to it?
Twice
before, the people had complained about not having water, firstly at Marah
where he took a branch to sweeten the waters and then at Rephidim where Gd told
him to hit the rock which he did and this led to the waters flowing out.
Moshe had
managed to overcome the previous challenges, Rabbi Sacks states, so why did he
fail this third test?
As
always, it is crucial to look at the context of what was happening. In this case, we are told in Bemidbar 20.11 that:
‘In the first
month, the whole Israelite community arrived at the Desert of Zin and they
stayed at Kadesh. There Miriam died and
was buried.’
The
Gemara in Taanit (9a) tells us that due to Miriam’s merit, there existed a well
of water that accompanied the people on their journeys through the desert. Upon her death, the well disappeared. There was no more water and the next event
that we are told about describes the people complaining about not having water. This led to Moshe’s actions.
Rabbi
Sacks’ understanding of the passage is subtle and empathetic. Moshe had lost his big sister. She had been with him throughout his life,
from the time she carefully watched his basket as it floated on the River Nile
and interceded on his behalf to Pharaoh’s daughter to arrange for their mother
to nurse her brother. She was there,
leading the jubilant women who had witnessed the miracle of the parting of the
sea in song. She admonished Moshe
through speaking to their brother Aharon when she was concerned about the
breakup of his marriage to Tzipporah (for which she was punished with leprosy). He begged Gd to heal her. It is without a doubt that they loved and
cared about each other as only siblings can.
And now
she was gone and for the first time in his life, Moshe had to face a challenge
of such magnitude without his sister being there to support him. To influence his decision and to be his ‘ezer
kenegdo’. At this hurdle, our greatest
leader stumbled. As our late great
former Chief Rabbi puts it:
“A careful reading of this famous episode in the
context of Moses’ early life suggests that Miriam was Moses’ ‘trusted friend,’
his confidante, the source of his emotional stability; when she was no longer
there, he could not cope with crises as he had done until then.” Rabbi Jonathan
Sacks, Lessons in Leadership, page 214.
Losing my
mother just over three years ago literally ‘knocked me for six’ and I still
think about her every single day and miss her sage advice. I have been blessed in that my female
influencers who gently took up her reins over the years (which I hasten to add,
she encouraged!) continue to be my rocks and the people I turn to when I feel
that I cannot cope with the curveballs that life throws in my direction every
now and again. This doesn’t mean that
her influence is any less significant in my life.
Like
everything else it becomes who we are and who we aspire to be.
Returning
to my original quotation, I would change it to a ‘boy’s best friend is an
amalgamation of his wife, daughters, sister-in-law and any other lady who cares
about his happiness and wellbeing. These
are our influencers, and we need to treasure them and heed their advice, even
if we may sometimes disagree with it.
For it is women like Miriam,
Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Hannah and Esther that have influenced their husbands,
brothers, children and cousins. And
let’s not forget our mothers - they made us who we are!
Shavuah Tov.
