Parashat Chukat: Moshe's Influencer

Hers was the first voice I heard and continued listening to until it fell silent fifty-four years later.

I could begin this Drasha with the famous quote that ‘a boy’s best friend is his mother’ but granted it was uttered by Norman Bates in Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Psycho’ film, it’s not best appropriate!

However, I do believe that the sentiment is accurate, at least in my case.

In my formative years, my mother was without a doubt the most influential person in my life.  She fed and nurtured and educated me, and the fact that I am bi-lingual is purely down to her speaking to me in French until I started nursery.  This is not to say that my father’s contribution was not an integral part of my upbringing.  In the long tradition of Jewish mothers, she was a force of nature and Dad was smart enough not to disagree.

From time immemorial, traditional Judaism has defined a Jewish person’s status through their mother’s line.  This makes sense as it is the mother who has the greatest influence on the child from the moment they enter the world.  Although our fathers would like to think they are in charge, we all know who really runs the household, don’t we?!  Additionally, there is never any doubt as to who the child’s mother is which, from a historical point, may not have been applicable to their father, granted our long and violent history of persecution.

Back to my mother. Her influence on me was such that, in primary school, I thrived under female teachers and with a few exceptions, clashed with my male instructors.  It was as though I instinctively gravitated towards the ‘mumsy’ type teachers over the stricter school ‘ma’ams’ (and their male equivalents).

I have a natural empathy for the fairer sex and my deep-seated belief in granting women equal rights was instilled in me by my late mother.  At university in the early 1990s, I recall writing an essay on the significance of The Equal Pay Act (1970) and The Sex Discrimination Act (1975) both of which were latterly replaced by the Equality Act (2010).  I was appalled that despite the 1970 Act, men and women were still being paid differently for performing identical jobs.

It also didn’t hurt that I came of age under Lady Thatcher’s premiership.  A leader whom I have always held in very high esteem (unlike my parents who despised her!)  She also helped to inform and influence my thinking at a crucial stage of my emotional development and awareness of the world.  All of the above embedded in me a high level of respect and admiration for women.

When Hashem is about to create Adam, He says (Bereshit 2.18)

‘It is not good for man to be alone. 
I will make him a fitting partner for him’.

The Hebrew expression used is ‘Ezer Kenegdo’ which literally means ‘someone to help him who will oppose him.’  Chazal understand that a truly loving female partner is one who is not afraid to criticize her male counterpart, for in doing so, she will make him a better person.  I don’t think any lady here would disagree with that sentiment and although we, the boys, might sometimes wince at this idea, deep down, we know that it makes a great deal of sense!

When I look at the other women who have influenced me over the years, I feel that I have been (mostly) blessed.  Gd (and nature), seeing that I coped better in female company gave me the gift of four fabulous daughters and a wonderful wife in Stephnie.  I am truly blessed on all accounts.

Mark Twain’s famous quote of, “Behind every successful man, there is a woman.” recalls this week’s Parasha.  In our case, the man is Moshe Rabbeinu and the woman is his sister, Miriam.

Rabbi Sacks ztl asks a crucial question regarding a seminal event that takes place in Chukat.  Why did Moshe lose his temper and hit the rock when Hashem had told him to speak to it?

Twice before, the people had complained about not having water, firstly at Marah where he took a branch to sweeten the waters and then at Rephidim where Gd told him to hit the rock which he did and this led to the waters flowing out.

Moshe had managed to overcome the previous challenges, Rabbi Sacks states, so why did he fail this third test?

As always, it is crucial to look at the context of what was happening.  In this case, we are told in Bemidbar 20.11 that:

 

 ‘In the first month, the whole Israelite community arrived at the Desert of Zin and they stayed at Kadesh.  There Miriam died and was buried.’

The Gemara in Taanit (9a) tells us that due to Miriam’s merit, there existed a well of water that accompanied the people on their journeys through the desert.  Upon her death, the well disappeared.  There was no more water and the next event that we are told about describes the people complaining about not having water.  This led to Moshe’s actions.

Rabbi Sacks’ understanding of the passage is subtle and empathetic.  Moshe had lost his big sister.  She had been with him throughout his life, from the time she carefully watched his basket as it floated on the River Nile and interceded on his behalf to Pharaoh’s daughter to arrange for their mother to nurse her brother.  She was there, leading the jubilant women who had witnessed the miracle of the parting of the sea in song.  She admonished Moshe through speaking to their brother Aharon when she was concerned about the breakup of his marriage to Tzipporah (for which she was punished with leprosy).  He begged Gd to heal her.  It is without a doubt that they loved and cared about each other as only siblings can.

And now she was gone and for the first time in his life, Moshe had to face a challenge of such magnitude without his sister being there to support him.  To influence his decision and to be his ‘ezer kenegdo’.  At this hurdle, our greatest leader stumbled.  As our late great former Chief Rabbi puts it:

“A careful reading of this famous episode in the context of Moses’ early life suggests that Miriam was Moses’ ‘trusted friend,’ his confidante, the source of his emotional stability; when she was no longer there, he could not cope with crises as he had done until then.” Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, Lessons in Leadership, page 214.

Losing my mother just over three years ago literally ‘knocked me for six’ and I still think about her every single day and miss her sage advice.  I have been blessed in that my female influencers who gently took up her reins over the years (which I hasten to add, she encouraged!) continue to be my rocks and the people I turn to when I feel that I cannot cope with the curveballs that life throws in my direction every now and again.  This doesn’t mean that her influence is any less significant in my life. 

Like everything else it becomes who we are and who we aspire to be.

Returning to my original quotation, I would change it to a ‘boy’s best friend is an amalgamation of his wife, daughters, sister-in-law and any other lady who cares about his happiness and wellbeing.  These are our influencers, and we need to treasure them and heed their advice, even if we may sometimes disagree with it.

For it is women like Miriam, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Hannah and Esther that have influenced their husbands, brothers, children and cousins.  And let’s not forget our mothers - they made us who we are!

Shavuah Tov.